my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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