she woke up with a sticky ear
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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