I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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