and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
