I'd wear matching sweaters with you
He uses pillows to masturbate.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
