Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
