hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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