Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
