I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
He felt like a one man threesome
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
