For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
