I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
So vagazzling was a success
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
