If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
