I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
