I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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