Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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