I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
