the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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