someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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