"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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