I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
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