I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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