so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
So vagazzling was a success
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
