I didn't shave. On purpose
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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