I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
