He kissed a someone with a penis
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
In other news, I just burned my penis
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Randomize
