just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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