Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
