New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
