I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
