i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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