That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
