We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
