My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
The beer is more important than you right now.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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