I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
you had me at cake vodka
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
We are all done wearing pants today
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
