I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
