I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
