we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
