Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
