somebody snuck up and got me drunk
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
