The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
