This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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