Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
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Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
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so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
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