1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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