help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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