you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Lo siento on account of my penis...
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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