i can't believe i had my finger in that
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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