He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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