All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
