dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Randomize
