I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
