Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
