So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
