separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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